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An Open Letter to the Women Attending Z’s Ritual at Pantheacon 2012
Sisters, I did not decide to sit across from you in that broad hallway Sunday night in order to intimidate you. Though advance word had gone out from Z that she needed protection, I was never there to cause harm to her or anyone else. Never was I even calling my actions “protest.” I was meditating in silence as counterpoint to what I and some others consider to be hate speech on the part of our common elder, Z Budapest.
I was there because my other sisters, transwomen, have been gravely hurt by being called “Transies” and men who are just trying to take things from women, again. These things have been said by Z in print, and in person. Just as you sisters have felt wounded by our common overculture, so these women have, too. I heard that one of you did not attend the ritual because you feared us. I’ve written in comment to your letter that I feel badly you weren’t able to receive the healing you needed. For my part in that situation, I deeply apologize. I’ve also heard that some other women did not attend Pantheacon at all this year because they did not feel safe enough to come. Those sisters happen to be trans.
(You will hear language in the current conversations that may sound unfamiliar. “Trans” and “cis” simply mean “across” or “on the same side” – ie Cisalpine and Transalpine in geography. As we all have sex and gender with variations among us, those prefixes currently seem to be the simplest descriptors. The English language is perfectly imperfect, as are we.)
It has been pointed out to me that I could have been more clear – could have provided a statement for Pantheacon staff to read, for example. In hindsight, that may have been a good idea. As it was, in the midst of a packed Con schedule, I was trying to highlight the pain caused by Z’s words in the least confrontational way I know how, and wrote about my reasons on my weblog. I would not disrupt a sacred ritual. I would not speak words of anger. I would sit in prayer and silence, with love.
I prayed for you all. I held Z in my heart as she attempted to get through her prepared statement – failing to do so in the heat of the moment – which apologized for hurt feelings, but not for words, attitudes, or actions. Then I listened to you sing beautifully inside the closed doors. Fifteen minutes later, we rose and left, some in tears, some walking quietly away.
Why did I do this? Why didn’t I do something else? The Pantheacon community has been in dialogue around these issues for the past year. The only words Z contributed to the dialogue sounded like hate speech to me. I did not even know she was attending Pantheacon this year, and when I saw on Saturday morning that her one offering was a ritual for “genetic women only,” after all her words that transwomen are not women, but Transies and infiltrators, in my heart, gut, and soul, I knew that this could not stand unmarked. I would sit because of the confluence of this ritual description, at this time, by this person.
A transwoman will tell us she was born a woman. A scientist will tell us that genes are variable. The community needed to see that someone stands with our trans brothers and sisters, and that we stand in respect and with love. So, feeling that words had not been effective – the struggles of the community had so little touched Z that it was reported that she spoke similar words two weeks before at another conference – I decided to bring my being to simply sit near where this ritual would occur. I informed Glenn Turner that I planned to sit in meditation. Jamie asked me to meet with ConOps, who showed me that they would mark off space for the meditators that would not block entrances or impede traffic flow. 89 others happened to join me. More would have come, I found out later, but for various reasons could not. We sat in the alcoves created by large pillars, backed up against the windows. We were silent so as not to disrupt. We were prayerful.
We all want a place to be seen, respected, and loved. There is more than enough pain to go around. There is also enough joy and power. We can, I hope, learn to lift one another up, to change culture so that everyone feels they have a place at the table, and a place to heal. It is truly my hope to learn to better build Beloved Community alongside you. I do not wish for the eradication of your sacred rites. I only wish for greater respect to be shown to our community by those who lead those rites.
Z said she is “sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings.” That is a first step. May the future hold further conversation, tears, and laughter. May we learn to better understand one another, so we can build a more beautiful and varied world, together.
in community – T. Thorn Coyle
(for further explanation, if you wish it, please see Holding Beloved Community part one and part two)
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Thank you, Thorn, for your heart-felt and thoughtful words. I for one was very glad that you did what you did as it proved to be a catalyst for further (and much needed) conversation. I have learned a lot from this experience –as I’m sure we all have. Thank you for all that you do.
“I do not wish for the eradication of your sacred rites. I only wish for greater respect to be shown to our community by those who lead those rites.”
I think this is the key phrase that neither side of the issue seems to be hearing very well.
For me, this was the very reason that I decided to join in holding space in the ‘center’… While I am opposed to how Z has handled this situation, I see a very real need for rituals that are specific, whether that specificity is determined by gender, life-experience, or traditional affiliation. ALL women (whether trans or cis) should be able to find a group that caters to them specifically as each have their own mysteries and life-experiences that can and should be honored. I myself have benefited extensively from “specific space” in which other Pagan “men-who-love-men” gathered which created an environment in which many of my shields (that I did not even know that I had) were suddenly able to fall away, giving me access to deep healing that would not have happened otherwise. I want others to be able to benefit from that, and yes… even at a public venue like Pantheacon.
Additionally, I’d like more rites that are inclusive, as well. I think that the real issue here is one of respect, and unfortunately Z has shown very little of it. As a Pagan leader she needs to be held accountable. This is how a community grows and deals with issues. So far I think we’re doing a pretty good job.
Seeing the oft-repeated assertion that there a two “sides” and a “center” feels like an egregore (group mind that takes on a life of its own) of our overculture. We’ve come into an era where “fair and balanced” means “find two oppononents and let them duke it out.”
There are clearly several egregores at work here. The Budepestian Dianics have a strong egregore. There’s a different one rooted in the examination of all systems of power. There’s at least one emerging among those who intersect with the trans community at Pantheacon. And there’s the unspoken conflict-driven egregore of the overculture. (I would have described these as “memes” – ideas that spread contagiously – but for the strongly self-sustaining nature of these belief systems.)
I’m beginning to believe that dealing with conflicting egregores, and especially the one that wants to make a war of everything, is the problem of our age. It may be that, as conscious magic workers who have looked at systems of power, we’re in an excellent place to begin healing this.
I really appreciate your actions, and your writing about this. There’s only one thing I disagree with. Z.’s “sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings” isn’t a first step. It’s a classic non-apology. This “I’m sorry you felt insulted” tactic has been employed often enough that it has it’s own name – the fauxpology. It’s a way of turning the blame back onto the victim, stating that their feelings are the problem and not one’s own actions. I’m not the least bit surprised to see Z. employ it, because as far as I’ve seen, she honestly doesn’t care about examining her privilege or making this right.
> Z.’s “sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings” isn’t a first
> step. It’s a classic non-apology. This “I’m sorry you
> felt insulted” tactic has been employed often enough that
> it has it’s own name – the fauxpology. It’s a way of
> turning the blame back onto the victim, stating that
> their feelings are the problem and not one’s own actions.
> I’m not the least bit surprised to see Z. employ it,
> because as far as I’ve seen, she honestly doesn’t care
> about examining her privilege or making this right.
YES. So much of this.
I am willing to hold that even admitting people are hurt is a first step. It is not enough. But I’m willing to accept it as a step in the right direction.
Honestly, I think we will only know if this is indeed a ‘first step’ when we see what her *next* step is. I’m holding hope in my heart.
[...] Holding Beloved Community (along with Part 2 and Part 3: An Open Letter to the Women Attending Z’s Ritual at Pantheacon 2012) [...]
I understand the ritual was intended for healing women who were abused. But surely transgendered women have been abused too. And i understand the ritual was skyclad but was that necessary?
What is difficult is to understand Z’s perception and anger towards transgenders. Maybe those close to her can help her through that over the next few months.
Who is the party with standing? Which person attempted entry and was denied?
I’d like to hear their words, directly, first-person.
http://pncminnesota.wordpress.com/2012/02/20/letter-to-the-editor-ciswomen-only-ritual-at-pantheacon/
That link:
http://pncminnesota.wordpress.com/2012/02/20/letter-to-the-editor-ciswomen-only-ritual-at-pantheacon/
describes the experience of a woman for whom the ritual was designed, and who chose not to attend, for personal reasons.
It remains an open question (two years running now) – which person chose to attend, but was refused entry? So far, the answer appears to be “no one”.
This does make a difference, to observers. I personally look forward to hearing the first-person voice of someone excluded from these rituals, but that’s not looking likely.
West, much was written last year about women who felt denied entry to ritual. I’m not sure where the first person accounts can be found at this point.
I want to thank you, Thorn, for your action, prayers and words. Had I not left the Con early, I would have proudly sat with you.
I spent many years learning, healing and making powerful magic in women-only circles and covens. There is a need for this and for all kinds of “exclusive” groups where deep healing and empowerment can take place. Likewise, there is need for various levels of “inclusion.”
Let there be a place for each of us at the table. And, let there be many, many tables in the banquet hall so we may move among them, feasting and contributing as we will. There are ways to be exclusive without being hurtful, ways to draw clear and precise boundaries without hatred, and ways to protest without shouting.
Thank you, once again, Thorn.
You know this not new. In the 80s, I left the Dianic movement because of butch bashing bisexual bashing and butch/femme bashing and let’s not forget S/M bashing. My good friend Felicity Flowers was shunned out for being bi. I miss her and i don’t know where she is. I would not be here if it was not for Shekhinah Mountainwater, Felicity Flowers, and Reclaiming.
Blessed be the Gods for this movement.
[...] A witness of the meditation outside the ritual can be found here. The accounts of the situation that I personally found most thoughtful and clear were those of Thorn Coyle here, here and here. [...]
I am opposed to any view which does not honor Z for her central role as a west-coast Pagan elder. She has been in service for decades, working for the creation of women-only spaces, spaces for gay men, men-only spaces and more. Anything which does not honor that (or dismisses it based on unfortunate word choices) is for me a non-starter.
Z, for me, represents an entire generation, without which there would BE no Pantheacon. However unfortunate or unhip her word choice, I believe her heart is good and that she has been working for gender equity and sacred sexuality longer than many of her critics have been alive.
I honor Z for what she has done and her humanity. She is not a monster but an elder, deserving of our respect.
The torch will pass to a different generation, but we needn’t commit matricide to take it up.
This is not a question of matricide, or of making Z into a monster. It is a criticism of her words and actions. Great people make mistakes.
I want a clear reason why trans women should not attend this ritual. When those who exclude us state the reason, I think it will not reflect well on them. I think the reason is prejudice. What might we do, to damage the ritual? What do we symbolise? If I want in, why should I not come in?
It is troubling, most of the comments posted here are so judgmental. Where is the understanding the respect for difference and diversity? Last year when I read ZB comments I was appalled and disappointed in a woman I have respected for years. None of us are perfect, and there is her flaw, glaring in public for all of us to see. Is her apology enough, probably not. However, Ms. Coyle states above that she sat in love, but looking from the outside, she also sat in judgement. Are we monotheist, to sit outside a ritual in witness to the belief we think the ritual is wrong? Finding the balance between all women, XX and XY, in the beloved community is a difficult and multifaceted task. As a first step, we should all look inside ourselves. Anger, judgment and condemnation are easy, understanding, change and forgiveness are hard work. We all have a long way to go.
Yes, we have a long way to go. I agree. Conversation is but a starting place. One thing I want to say though, love and judgement need not be mutually exclusive. Had I no judgement, I would not have sat. And I was sitting not because of the ritual itself, but because of hate speech. I’ve stated that in all three posts on this topic, I believe.
Thanks for your input. Looking within is always the first step. I strive to return to it, again and again.
[...] center.”T. Thorn Coyle, who helped organized the silent meditation outside Z’s ritual, has penned an open letter to the women who attended that event at PantheaCon. Quote: “Sisters, I did not decide to sit across from you in that broad hallway Sunday night [...]
The Sacred Mysteries of the Goddess are not so duly limited by personal political statements of specificity and exclusion. She dances in every heart–every person beholds Her Mysteries situationaly in their own praxis and inner qualities of experiences. The Circle of Belonging embraces all and excludes none.
As I stated in Thorn’s Feb 19 blog on this issue, I don’t feel vigils or protests, or sitting outside someone’s event, even if quietly and with love, is the best way to handle this, because such vigils are shaming. People are less likely to grow, to gain more awareness, when they are shamed, ostracized or scapegoated for their mistakes or their hurtful behavior/comments, than if they are approached more directly and without this “theatrical” aspect. It occurs to me too that if one feels Z’s error is in her rejection of others, her exclusivity, then perhaps a way to reach her is to extend to her the inclusion and compassion which you may feel she has not extended to others.
I honestly find it ridiculous that anyone felt so upset by what happened at Pantheacon last year, that they felt unsafe to come this year. Come on! Pantheacon is a place where you can readily observe muscled men wearing a white tutu and fairy wings, women with moustaches, many notable gay and lesbian and trans Pagan leaders, many forms of the marvelous continuum of gender expression and fantasy. It is such a welcoming place, you can truly act out your fantasy. Anyone who doesn’t feel safe coming to Pantheacon because of anything Z said or her or any other Dianic group did, should not walk out their front door, because they won’t be able to handle the world out there!!
To say you feel unsafe coming to Pantheacon because Z used hurtful words, or you weren’t allowed into a group, is also to give Z or that exclusive group far too much of your own power. Stop whining and take your power back! Also, for someone to complain that due to these events they feel unsafe to come to Pantheacon smacks loudly of manipulative politics: “the more injured I claim to be, the more harm you must have done to me!!! SO if I amp up my injury, I’ll make you look even worse! ” This is the politics of victimization at its most reprehensible.
I also think calling Z’s words “hate speech” is unnecessary. To do this is to seize the vast armamentarium of the politics of victimization that unfortunately saturate this culture, as well as the whole canon of the law of Political Correctness, and to hurl that Z’s way, so that your clobbering of her is all the more thorough. I would rather that we not take advantage of much of what I see as dishonest, unhealthy, blame-focused politics of victimization, by exploiting its catch words and list of seven sins: but simply call Z’s words “hurtful”, which they were.
Root,
Though I may disagree with some of your opinions, that doesn’t really matter. Your perspective feels valid. Thanks for chiming in. I am sincere in saying that I do hope we all continue to learn together how to better exist in a large, amorphous community.
I can’t speak to the pain of others, all I can do is speak to my reasons for doing what I did.
blessings – Thorn
Should I pick up on the language? Being TS is not fantasy. I am unsure if that is what you meant, and I have no objection to gender play or fantasy, but being TS or trans* is not fantasy.
And being excluded is very painful. I know I am female. It has been denied for much of my life, such that I was desperate to appear male. And tolerance of me, because any “fantasy” is acceptable outside the rituals, then rejection of me in a ritual because I am not a woman, migght produce such cognitive dissonance that I doubt myself. It really really hurts. I am not playing oppression olympics, I am withdrawing because I am hurt.
No, I didn’t mean to say that I thought being trans is a fantasy. I meant to say that I can hardly think of a more welcoming space for the expression of the whole gender continuum, inlcuding transgender expression, than Pantheacon.
Because rituals for women only (or “genetic women” only) do seem to all be marked this way in the catalogue, no one need be unpleasantly suprised by rejection. It is my understanding that Z from the get-go has excluded trans women from her rituals, so with her years of doing this, why would any trans woman go knocking on her door? Leave Z alone and let her do what she wishes, and go to any of the other hundreds of events where you are welcome.
I myself am sensitive to rejection: I know that pain. I also know what it’s like to be really hurt, and I know that sometimes I see things in a distorted way through my hurt, assuming that because I’m hurt, someone else must be to blame, when often this is not the case. I’m simply hurt and there’s no one to blame.
To reduce your chances of being hurt, perhaps it would be a good idea to contact any group/event that is listed as “for women only” ahead of time and ask if trans women are welcome. I realize trans women feel really female, and people are free to self-define, but the rest of us are also free not to be forced to be your “rubber stamps.” Others need not agree with your self-definition, and to presume they do, or should or must agree, is disrespectful. Rather than presume you are welcome and face unpleasant rejection, I think it would be wise as well as respectful for you to inquire first.
Perhaps we could treat each other with greater kindness and compassion, in our words and actions. We all fail at this, but we can all continue to try.
I’m closing comments on these threads now.